Friday, October 31, 2008

Why I Hate Vampires

My niece has been bugging me and bugging me (she's 14, so she's really good at bugging) to read the Twilight series. And I've been putting her off with various reasons. I have a stack of books to be read teetering on my night stand. I've been really busy at work and don't have time. There's too much on TV I need to catch up on ... she has accepted all those reasons but her patience (remember, she's 14) is running out. The problem is, I can't tell her the truth. The very pathetic truth. Are you ready for it? (because here is another moment of self-destructiveness in which I confess something I should probably just keep to myself) ... 

I'm terrified of vampires

Truly. Terrified. 

I'm 27 and people with pointy teeth make me uneasy. Which is why I can't read Twilight or any others by Stephanie Myer. I don't care how "romantic" Edward is or how lovely poor, poor Bella is. I don't care that their love has 14 year old girls, 18 year old girls, 62 year old girls around the world swooning. Because EDWARD IS A VAMPIRE AND HE SCARES ME

But there's a reason for this. I swear. I blame it on the guy in the video store when I was in first grade. 

See, one Halloween twenty years ago, my mother was at her wits end. We have just moved from North Carolina to Detroit and among the many differences we discovered between the rural south and the big city north was that it SNOWED on Halloween! Snow! On Halloween! Who would have guessed? Not us little southern girls, I can tell you that. So anyway, my little brother had gotten a really bad cold and my dad was out of town on business so instead of going trick or treating in the snow, Mom took us to the video store to get some "scary" movies for Halloween. I think she was thinking this:

I would have enjoyed Charlie Brown and his Great Pumpkin

Instead, the punk kid at the video store recommended something much, much worse. Punk Kid recommended one of the most popular movies of 1987. Cory. Cory. Keifer. And Vampires. 

Punk Kid recommended The Lost Boys to a mother with two small girls. Punk Kid ruined Keifer for me for a very long time. At the age of 7, I watched Lost Boys and now I am terrified of vampires. Stupid Punk Kid. What kind of IDIOT would think that a 7 year old and 5 year old would love it when the scary vampire dude was killed in a bath tub of holy water? (am I remembering that right? Because that was the first and last time I ever watched that movie). What kind of idiot thinks little girls would love the part when the head vampire's dogs try to rip people apart? What kind of idiot ... OK, that's enough. I persist in thinking that idiot still works at the video store

So tell me, how am I suppose to tell my niece, age 14, that I hate vampires because I'm scared of them? I asked her if she has ever seen The Lost Boys and she gave me the blank teenager stare. I decided to leave it at that. I mean, why ruin Edward for her as Keifer was ruined for me? Besides which, there's always this:

And I don't know about you but Charlie kicks a vampire's blood-sucking ass any day. 

1 comment:


I agree totally to your points.

But from a 23 year old guy to a 27 year-old girl: admit your fear and conquer it. I have a word of advice, that helped me in my own fear of anything that had something to do with vampires. Vampires have a not really well known weakness, when you look at the origins: fire.

So just use a deodorant spray and a lighter if you ever meet one of them. Or use white phosphorous-JHP rounds in your gun.

What I mean with this silly crap: Just imagining havingthe ultimate defense against vampires. And then imagine them burning to a crispy little pile of ashes, then scattering that ashes in the depths of the ocean or launching it into space. It helped me to watch vampire movies, that's for sure :D .